just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
