I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
