there's paper in my vomit.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
