he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
