im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
