Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
