im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
we're so committed to being not committed
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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