I wish I could punch you in the face.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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