Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Randomize
