He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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