i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
