my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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