I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Rumble strips road head = magical
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Randomize
