My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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