my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
