Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize