The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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