i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
