There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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