I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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