My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
