No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
