Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
