She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
