I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
