and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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