i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
