All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
