were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
