I accidentally burped into my bong.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
