Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
