if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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