dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
there is glitter all over my balls
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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