The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
