I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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