Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
And then he peed in my hair
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
