Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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