I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
A+ Viking dick
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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