I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
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