Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
