i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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