bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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