Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
