Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
