WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
