So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
high people should be assigned attendants
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
