just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
