did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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