I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
