I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I feel like death gave me a hand job
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
