i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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