Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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