I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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