My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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