Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
