Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
