I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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