Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
