Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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