i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
