oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
