If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
