Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
