Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize