The maid of honor just puked.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My penis needs a shock collar
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
